Halloween Ladies 2009

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The Royal Society for the Preservation of Sub-Literature presents a Series of Fragements from Lost Novels

It is with great honour that I and my noble companion Professor. Samuel Horatio Bridgett of The Royal Society for the Preservation of Sub-Literature present the following: a series of extracts from the scant (often slightly burnt) remaining fragments of some notable novels that are, Alas, all but lost to world

The Textual Reconstruction was produced by my colleague Prof. Bridget while I performed the Restoration of the Illustrations shown.

Please note that no Illustrators were credited for the works presented as this would give them ideas above their station.


From Culp and Culpability by Fanny Door

“Why, Mr Footingwaite-Smythly,” responded Joanna coyly, “if only the performance of your rams could match that of your tongue, your flock would be the finest in all Buckinghamshire.”
“Madam, you do me a disservice,” said that gentleman, “and I will request you not to force me to go upside your head.”
“Sir, I beg you to attempt it, for it would give me no greater pleasure than to demonstrate how a man’s skull may fit quite admirably into a man’s rear.”
Before Footingwaite-Smythly could respond, the music came to an end and the dancers bowed and curtseyed to each other. Some did both, to be on the safe side.

From The Case of the Smugglers’ Booty by Iris Spiffing

“By jingo, they’re going into Hobson’s Cave!” cried Philip.
“We’ve got them now, there’s no way out but the way in!” crowed Alice.
“But I think one of them had a gun!” warned Rebecca. “I should think being shot in the head would be jolly unpleasant!”
“Pshaw, it’s easy to dodge a bullet!” pshawed Crispin. “Besides, I hear that being kneecapped is an oddly agreeable experience."

The four friends crept quietly down towards the cave. But when they peered inside...
“They’re gone!” yelped Alice.
“But how?” pondered Philip.
“I can tell you!” called out a cheery voice.
“Gypsy Jack!” cried the intrepid investigators, as their cheery gypsy pal gambolled down the rocks, his gold earring sparkling in the sun.

From The Castle of Skegness by Emilia Bludthrust

There was a great crashing from without, and Catherine clasped a hand to her breast with horror. A second crashing!...a third!...Catherine suddenly realised that it was merely the grandfather clock in the entrance hall. But wait!...did not the Duchess say that the clock was broken, and had not chimed since that night seven years ago?

Though she shivered in her nightgown, Catherine resolved to see with her own innocent eyes whatever there was to be seen, and crept to the door. Easing it open, her first thoughts that were such activities could not be advantageous to the quality of the upholstery.

From The Ruby of Jaboodoo by Huntingdon Flintwhistle

“As an officer of Her Majesty’s army, I, Corporal Hetheringly Percival Maurice Swasherman the third, order you to lower your weapons and submit!” I proclaimed. Sadly, it seemed that these swarthy natives did not commune in God’s own English, and I was forced to shoot the lot of them.

Upon returning to base camp, the other scout patrols offered similar tales, with the exception of Johnson, who had succeeding in befriending a group of the blighters via the offering of sweet biscuits and the like. As such, three males and five females were now milling about the place in a state of scandalous undress. I was heartily relieved that Barbara had opted to stay in Gibraltar, as such sights were not for a woman’s eyes.

From The Marvellous Mechanical Man by Frederic Saucisson

“Behold,” cried the professor, “the greatest marvel of this or any age!” And with that, he threw a large switch, causing a pulse of sizzling electricity to shoot through the form. A moment’s silence – and then – it moved! – To our astonishment, a great clanking of gears and hissing of pistons accompanied the figure’s movements as it raised itself from the table and stood of its own accord! – But the wonders were not to stop there, for then it turned its head and looked directly at me, and spoke! Its voice was harsh, rasping, halting and without any human feeling, but nonetheless it addressed me directly. I attempt to transcribe its particular method of articulation as best I can with my pen.
“WOULD. YOU. LIKE. A. CUP. OF. TEA?”

The joys of pen sensitivity

I have a new laptop which finally, FINALLY, allows me to use the pressure sensitivity on my graphics tablet.

Also I can use Google SketchUp which will be handy. Hence the bike.

I really like Hunter S. Thompson's Hells Angels, good book.



Drawing from a fashion photograph because I liked her shoes.

Crossing genres

Ebony is like Doctor Strange if Doctor Strange was a girl cat.

Leave me alone I'm tired.


I wonder if there's much money in drawing superhero fetish pics? Oh, don't look at me like that DC put it on the damn cover!

I'm a little surprised I'm still enjoying Final Crisis, maybe it's just because the central concept seems to be that Darkseid's evil is so great it WARPS SPACE AND TIME!


See I don't just read superhero comics with freaky sexual subtexts. I've been meaning to draw a DMZ pic for ages, it's a fine comic, highly recommended.

I love the way Riccardo Burchielli makes all the characters look completely knakered.

I can't come up with a decent stone pun...

Coming at some point from Action Age Comics!
The Chronicles of Solomon Stone!

Some of you may be wondering how I got such a prime gig like this, well the answer's simple. I've been a fan of Mr Sims' Blog for few years now and then one day he beat me up in an alley and carved his name backwards into my forehead...

This is pretty common practice in the comics industry. I believe it was Stan Lee who first originated the concept back in the Marvel bull-pen.

Gwen and MJ A-Go-Go

"Hi my names Peter Parker and I have really terrible life. When I was only a lowly scientific genius, a freak accident gave me a number of incredible super-powers that let me perform the most amazing feats. If that wasn't bad enough there's these two models who really want to have sex with me and they're both so super-hot that I can't decide which one to choose. Man my life sucks. You should buy either the top selling comic book or the record breaking block-buster movie that I star in to hear me whine about all these problems."

Hmmm.

I picked up the latest issue of Jonah Hex the other day and Jordi Bernet's art inspired to draw some pretty girls. Still working on that loose inking thing.

I'm not sure why they have such tiny hands.

Air Water Earth Fire

Waaaoooooh waaaah waaaaah waaaaaoooooooh waaaah waaaaaah etc.

Describing Avatar: The Last Airbender as the best American action/drama cartoon since Batman: The Animated Series sounds a little like I'm damning it with false praise, so I'll just say that's really, really, good on a number of levels and you should check it out if you haven't already.

Wenches

I was reading the very enjoyable 'Jews with Swords' adventure novel Gentlemen of the Road by Michael Chabon and was suitably inspired to draw this. Oh, many are the times I've longed to find my way to a tavern, to rest my weary feet in the orange glow of a roaring fire. A busty tavern wench bringing me a fine frothing ale, a suggestive look in her eye as she passes me the tankard...

Sorry got a bit carried away there. I also wanted to try inking in a faster and less precise way to try to get a bit more personality into my stuff. I was particularly inspired by a new comic artist I've found called Denis Bodart there's probably a bit of Mignola to it as well.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going back to my wench fantasy...


Shut up, that's why

It's a fine day.

Good job America!

Take the time to revel in the fact that lots of hateful bigoted pricks are very unhappy right now, you (and they) deserve it.

Treats!

No one seems to have bothered with Halloween much this year, and who can blame them. America has it's own horrors to worry about and Britain is probably too focussed on the first TV showing of the concluding Avatar episodes on NickToons (so excited!) to care. But I have warm memories of watching old Universal Monster movies in late October back when I was a lad so always feel the need to celebrate.



This is the first of two Halloween pics this year. I felt I had to draw the second one to apologise for the first.

Yes I know, it was just that I was watching this documentary on Bram Stoker where they suggested that a scene in Dracula seemed awfully similar to a, urm, certain sexual act. At this point I got that strange glint in my eye that people have learnt to fear at conventions when we're coming up with things to sketch.

In my defence there are literally thousands of comic book covers where this s done unironically.

A remixed classic.

And as a special treat read the original story here

If any of you feel the need to stab a design into a vegetable I have a Vichama pumpkin stencil you're more than welcome to use.

Need something to cover your hideously disfigured face? Why not try something drawn by Mr. DFC himself Zak Simmonds-Hurn , some super scary Halloween Masks.

And if you're still not in the mood have a listen to Stan Lee read The Raven! Via Mr Kevin Church's twitter.

Rock along with the Shōnens

I know it looks a lot like Scott Pilgrim but it was actually inspired by The Pokemon Adventures Manga I was reading.

Maid Service

I know what you're going to say "Matthew" you'll say "haven't you always said that the fetishisation of female uniforms (maid cafe's surely the strongest evidence thereof) in Japan are just a symptom of the culture's deep seated misogynism and objectification of women? how can you justify this drawing without coming across as a hypocrite pervert?" well that a very understandable question but if you just stop to consider... Wait! What's that over there?!

*runs*

Drawings from comics I am currently enjoying.

Armour from Astonishing X-Men.


DC caveboy Anthro as he appears in Final Crisis. Admittedly he doesn't look very boyish here...

Last year I brought you pleasure. This year I bring pain!

Happy Birthday Sims!

Season four, well I say season four...

Dalek Caan predicts



The Doctor Who fanbase has an annoying habit of constantly complaining about everything from the invalidation of their fanfics to the existence of homosexuality. This constant barrage of whinging can often lead to legitimate worries and criticisms getting lost in the mindless noise. I was worried about Catherine Tate as a companion. The Catherine Tate show is a blight upon society, 'am I bovered' may actually be part of the anti-life equation, and the Christmas special from a few years back hardly convinced me otherwise.

But then in season four she turned out to not only be bearable, but actually very good. It was quite the shock, the best I'd hoped for was that I'd like the character enough to put up with the performance. Perhaps it was this shock (and my growing hate for Who fandom) which led me to take the season much more to heart than I would have done otherwise. Maybe in time I won't remember it as fondly, but for now this is what I thought:

Spoiler, duh.

Partners in Crime



Davies does love his kid friendly cultural satire and this episode is chock full, it's Super-Nanny fighting the growing obesity rate! This could be pretty off putting to the adult audience (who it should be remembered are a pretty small percentage, all things considered) if it didn't have some genuinely amusing moments. Imagine my despair when I found myself laughing at the comedy acting of Catherine Tate! My whole world view was shattered, up was down, night was day, hamburgers ate people...

Bernard Cribbins' Granddad character was a very nice addition, joyous and warm-hearted. Less welcome was Donna's Mother. For a start the Doctor antagonist mother had probably been overdone by Who at this point, but at least the previous two had redeeming characteristics or understandable justifications, Donna's mum was just a horrible person who had no apparent love for her daughter.

Still a funny, light-weight, and upbeat start to the season.

The Fires of Pompeii



'It's the big budget episode!' they seemed to cry, 'Look we went to Italy to film! Do you have any idea how often they let us out of Wales, let alone to somewhere you need passports for?! There's big CGI volcano like you see on those National Geographic documentries too! Big Budget episode!'.

The historical episodes tend to leave me with out making too much of an impression and this wasn't a great deal different. There was some nice set up for Donna as being both the companion who questions and the Doctor's conscience, which was nice. Also we learn that Latin spoken through the Tardis babel fish sounds like Welsh, I would have assumed they'd just hear translation server error over and over again.

Planet of the Ood



Ah, the Ood, they're always fun, those lovable lovecraftian beasties, with the fun to say name that the writers came up with just to fuck around with Tennent (getting a Scottish guy to mask his accent with a script full of double 'oo's is particularly cruel, as a guy called Matthew Smith who can't pronounce 'th's I understand your pain David).

New Earth episodes also tend to be little lacking in interest for me but I'd say this was one of the better episodes, Ood, Lord Percy, the claw, kid traumatising transformation sequence, all good fun.

I did hear some criticisms of the anti-slavery theme being a bit heavy handed, but considering that I've spoken to Primark shoppers who don't seemed that bothered that what they're wearing was made by child slaves, I think the Doctor asking Donna just exactly who made her clothes is point that needs reiterating.

The Sontaran Stratagem/The Poison Sky



My friend's sat-nav tried to kill me once on the way back from a Bill Bailey show; true story.

The first two parter in a Who season is never great (though the only time it was ever truly terrible was with that first piece of Cyberman nonsense) the characters go home for a bit and kids get a catchphrase for the playground on Monday. Martha reappearing and then, um, not really doing a great deal and The Doctor seeming a bit confused on how he felt about the military all just a little wishy washy. Still, UNIT finally making an appearance and the Sontarans being entertainingly pompous got me through.

The Doctor's Daughter



I wasn't too disappointed that we didn't actually get what the title promised, I like a little mystery in the life of The Doctor. Even so the episode still ends up as the weakest of the season purely because the central clever twist doesn't make any damn sense. It's almost as if they originally filmed with a different ending and then had to go back and re-shoot a few scenes to make new one in a hurry.

But in the end, Georgia Moffett's pretty and the expression Agyeman pulls when a load of fish people start stroking her was priceless. I am, on occasion, quite easy to please.

The Unicorn and the Wasp



I wonder which author's lined up for 2010? I'm hoping for Burroughs.

Another comedy heavy ep which ends up being genuinely funny. The whodunnit at the core isn't particularly good though which is a shame, I felt that if it had been a little smarter and precise and it would have been a classic Who story. Fenella Woolgar's performance, a giant wasp, and The Doctor's Belgian flashback all add up to a fun episode.

The Wasp reminds me of how good Who's effects have been this season, well done to whomever was responsible. Judging from the budget kids must have brought a hell of a lot of toys last year.

Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead



Ah a Moffat two-parter, the Who brand of quality. Will Who fans transfer their bizarre loathing to the new guy in charge and long for the days of RTD come 2010? Only time will tell, but I assume they'll be complaining about something.

Lots to like here, the feel of a New Adventures novel which sends a pleasing nostalgic shiver down my spine, a library the size a planet (I'd happily live there even if it did have darkness piranhas in the air), spacesuits, twisty turny time stuff with added emotional depth, excellent little sci-fi concepts (the communication device ghosts are just an extraordinary idea), the twisted face of a corrupted file, Donna's awareness of editing, The Doctor using his head as a giant USB drive, the dust you see in beams of sunlight.

And in the end it all comes together and we get the familiar and welcome cry of new Who 'Everybody lives!'. Wonderful.

But if you fuck up Tin Tin You'll still go on the list Moffat! Be warned!

Midnight



The fan's have a strange hatred for Davies, faint and subtle at first, it seems to have grown and warped into some horrific monster. All said, he isn't the best writer on the show, his episodes falling pretty often midway up the Who quality scale. So what from the preview looked like a bottle episode to save up some cash for the finale hardly inspired confidence.

And yet, it ended up being very, very, good. 'Perhaps Humanity is the true monster here' is far from the most original concept to set off from, but if you play the monstrosity just right you can still come up with something special. It's a haunting episode, both in the creepiness of the repeated voice and The Doctor stuck in a situation where he can't help.

So do the fans have a new found respect for Davies now? Um, well apparently the episode was a clear sign of the dreaded 'gay agenda' that they find so threatening for what is probably a number of deep seated psycoloical reasons, or perhaps they're all just twats. Fuck 'em.

Also immense respect for Lesley Sharp, learning all that dialogue, the speech patterns of the rest of the cast, and a frighteningly long amount of Pi for a role in which it's not that obvious that you're doing anything at all, hats off to you.

Turn Left



Wow! Billie Piper, Swindon's favourite daughter, is in this one! Is this the Doctor Who/Sally Lockhart crossover I've long been waiting for? Oh, it's just Rose speaking funny ...

My main criticism of Turn Left is that you're going to have to sell The Doctor not regenerating a bit harder than 'Uh, he was surprised, or something' not dying is pretty much what he does. That not with standing it's a nice enough episode setting up the finale and showing us that, yes, Tate is surpringly good. Bernard Cribbins gets some screen time which helps sell the humanity of the piece, but Donna's mum is still a horrible person regardless of dimension.

The Stolen Earth



It's a bit hard to review a shock and awe episode like this in regular terms, revelation after revelation, crisis of infinite Whos, all the little hints coming together, the dark secret of the bees!

It has it's faults, it's a touch on the melodramatic side, and the Shadow Proclamation turns out to be an office reception filled with bitchy albino ladies, but hell, it's the roller-coaster ride that keeps you interested. The demented ravings of Dalek Caan are fantastic, Davros is wonderfully played by Julian Bleach, the Doctor's 'children' coming together to fight against massive odds, and we get to see a platoon of Daleks fight Captain Scarlet's Cloudbase!

And then we have that cliff hanger. They should have just put Davies laughing over the top of the 'to be continued'. You know it's childish and silly t get so wrapped up, but you just can't wait for next Saturday!

Journey's End



This seems to be a love it or hate it episode and I'm squarely in the love it camp. It just felt like such a satisfying ending to me, not only to season four but for all of Davies' tenure.

Are the criticisms valid? We already knew Tennent would stay as The Doctor (because the BBC couldn't have kept a new Doctor under wraps for more than ten minutes after casting), so it's just a question of how he was going to stay. I didn't have a problem with the actual resolution as it played into the plot in a pretty convincing way. The Daleks did have a fair amount of there menace striped away when 'The Doctors Three' were monkeying around with them, which wouldn't have been so bad if it had felt a little more cathartic, but it just made them look a little foolish. Jackie didn't really need to be there, that's true enough, mind you anyone who criticised the scientific plausibilty of the Earth being towed home by the Tardis should just fuck off.

I liked the conclusions to the companions tales personally. I'd be fine with Rose living her life with a slightly melancholic air of mourning, but this is the only other ending that could make sense. I liked that the next season of Torchwood (which I still haven't seen a single episode of) will mostly involve Mickey trying to get into Martha's pants (and I assume failing in a comical manner). I liked The Doctor's sadness at Donna's death tempered with the Gilgamesh like immortality she earned across the universe on adventures that she'll never know she had. Quite moving really. I liked it.

Also there were Daleks speaking German. What's not to love?

So there we go, four specials and then it's out for Davies, I don't think he did a bad job myself.

The Erotic Adventures of Smithy

It amuses me to think of the people I know who were totally dreading clicking on that title in their feed readers...

A while back I had a go at drawing a short porn comic purely to see if I could. I only got two pages into it and it's been laying around my room for a while now so I thought I'd colour it up. The comic itself is a pretty tame affair, I just don't have it in me to be a smut merchant.

Here are the two panes which I'm happiest with during my brief attempt to become a pornographer.

Robin in Magenta

I'm trying to learn how to use more shadow in my work. I've been looking at the work the late great Mike Wieringo and the inkers who worked with him, trying to get the same simple and attractive blocks of crisp fluid shadow. Obviously I have some way to go.


And now a quick poll. This image proves that:

a) I am a latent homosexual.
b) I am a blatant misogynist.
c) I read too many comics.
d) All of the above.

Show your working.

Project Rooftop - Superman

For the Project Rooftop Superman redesign competition, Which I don't stand a chance at winning.

Essentially the design comprises of a giant red arrow pointing at his crotch.

Turns out I got an honorable mention which I guess is good (unless that's all the other people who entered).

No I don't know what W.E.I.R.D is...

A pinup that appeared in The Hard Ones debut Ashcan that Team Hard Ones* were giving away at Heroes con. I also did the tones for the book.

Sims' said we could draw whatever we wanted so I thought Nazi dinosaurs being kicked in the face was the way forward.


*They really do call themselves this.

Capitalism!

I require money to exchange for goods and services, and am offering you the chance to give me money.

I'm opening myself up for commisions. They break down like this -

£10

A black and white upper body shot

A black and white full body shot

Add an extra five of your english pounds for colour -
As so and so

£15

For a scene;backgrounds, multiple characters (within reason), fights, hugs, etc. etc. - Like this or this

And again add five pounds for colour -
As so and so

After you email me (matthew_allen_smith@hotmail.co.uk) and give me a description I'll draw a pencil rough. When you're happy with that you can pay me (via pay pal in most instances) and I'll get to work on the final piece and send it to you as a high resolution digital file.

I can send original artwork and prints through the post to, but I'd like to do this to as near to cost as possible and I'm completely sure what that cost is.

I can also draw more complex scenes, gig posters, album covers, and the like at an arranged price working on that £5 price grading scheme.

I will draw comics pages but can't give a definite price without having a look at what you'd want first.

I will draw anything that doesn't freak me out and/or get me thrown in gitmo.

And depending on how I'm feeling at the time I may offer a discount to Americans to compensate for the exchange rate.

A fellow of my acquaintance already ordered this to promote a radio show he's doing -